Freshman Year
by Lily Lovett
Summary: Unresolved feelings lead Karma and Amy on an unexpected journey. College AU
1. Comfort

Freshman Year

**Author:** Lilylovett

**Disclaimer:** "Faking It" the TV series © MTV and its related entities. All rights reserved. There is no profit, aside from satisfaction here.

**Rating:** M

**Summary:** Unresolved feelings lead Karma and Amy on an unexpected journey.

**Notes:** In this story, the events of "Faking It" did not happen the way they were presented in canon. Karma still fell for Liam and Amy for Karma, but Karma did not fake being a lesbian with Amy._ I reposted this first chapter to exclude Amy meeting Reagan in high school._

This is a deeply personal story, related to an actual experience. A severe trigger warning for events to come. More specific warnings will be noted when the chapters come up.

* * *

_**Prologue**_

* * *

Karma Ashcroft loves Amy Raudenfield. She has never experienced such a pull toward one person in her life; and she knows—revels in the fact even—that Amy feels the same way. They have always said they were kindred spirits, because it feels like no matter the time or place, they would find each other again. Their relationship has always seemed to them an undeniable connection that transcends time and other people; whether Karma is dating every boy that seems to pique interest or Amy is beginning to experiment with girls, there is no doubt that they'll always go back to each other.

That's why college seemed exciting and not dangerous at all. Karma and Amy had already decided to be roommates in a freshman dorm at the University of Texas. Living on campus, they agreed, would acclimate them to finding other friends and becoming involved in activities they would respectively enjoy. UT was a huge school, and they had heard from older friends it was easy to get lost in the mix and stick to your high school crowd. But admittedly, neither girl had much of a crowd beyond each other, so they were ready to expand.

Karma is a music and education double major. Amy is a computer science major, which Karma has made fun of her for since she put it down on her application junior year. _"I'm best friends with a nerd," Karma would joke, grinning like the Cheshire Cat when Amy's standard reply comes after a healthy beat: "And you wouldn't have it any other way." _Much of the summer going into their freshman year, they still spent an almost unhealthy time at each other's houses. Fantasizing about future epic college significant others, college parties, witty college professors, and overall the new freedom that would come along with University life.

Even though she would never admit it, Karma was fearful of the time they had spent together during the summer. Would Amy become tired of her? She spent all of junior year dazed over Liam Booker, causing an exasperated Amy to distance herself from Karma. She had also somehow confused Amy, causing the other girl to think she was in love with Karma. And that was the first time in years they had actually gone more than 48 hours without seeing each other, at the cause of some event other than a spontaneous family vacation. So, Karma felt like she was now overcompensating ever since she dumped Liam. She had discovered he was only attracted to her, due to his belief that he was the "exception" to her supposed lesbianism, which was not only a misconception, but also hugely offensive to all involved.

Regardless, Karma eventually forgave Liam, especially considering they would see each other around at UT. (He opted for a public university in his undergrad, partially to piss off his upper class parents, but that's a story for another time.) And while Karma made it clear that she would never give Liam the hope of dating him again, she remained his good friend. It turned out easier to talk to him about his escapades with girls than she thought; in turn, Karma only had the occasional mishap between her and Amy to share with him, which he helped her see the sense in those disputes. It turned out be a much better dynamic for them, than when they were actually dating.

Karma knew she had broken Amy's heart junior year. Amy had somehow believed she was in love with Karma, whereas Karma chalked it up to some crush. How could Amy be in love with her, when Karma barely loved herself after the way she let Liam treat her? During senior year, the two spent the entire time figuring out their boundaries. They decided to go into college with a fresh start, all underlying feelings pushed aside to provide way for new friends and relationships.

What Karma wasn't prepared for, was this underlying feeling that maybe Amy meant _too_ much to _her_. They were best friends, yes. But she did not expect the weight of her dependency on the other girl to grow to the point of irrevocable depths.

* * *

_**1\. Comfort**_

* * *

So, it's freshman year and Karma already fucks up, because she knows it's what she's best at. It's only the third week of school, and she has gotten an alcohol citation. Karma was flirting with some frat boy she met in her English 101 class, and they are drinking and smoking and kissing in some random park off campus, and it felt _good_, but then a cop comes by and almost arrests them for trespassing. The cop feels bad that she's a freshman and clearly freaked out, so he only gives her an underage-drinking citation. (She never talks to the frat boy again.) Even though it's a lesser charge than both possession and trespassing, she's still unbelievably shaken.

After the cop lets them go, Karma runs away. She ignores his protests of: "Are you okay? Hold on Karma, I swear this isn't as bad as it sounds." Because she just got here, and she's not ready to have to go to court and face all of these fucking consequences… of course she'd be so unlucky. The first thing she does when she finds a bench actually on school grounds, brightly lit and assuredly next to a blue box, is call Liam Booker. He answers her, worried that she's calling at 2am on a school night.

"Karma, are you okay?" His voice sounds tired, but awake. And that's all she needs to not feel terrible about bothering him in the middle of the night.

"Liam. I fucked up. And I don't know what to tell my parents or Amy or anyone…I can't breathe, I feel like, of course this would happen to me freshman year. You'd think I'd remember to do good things and all, because of the name, but I know I have bad karma, because I do shitty things and this was bound to happen at some point, but did it really have to be—"

"Slow down, Karma," Liam sounds more alert now. "Breathe, it's going to be okay."

"I think I'm still high," Karma cradles the phone against her ear, grateful of the rare lack of humidity.

"Just explain what happened, from start to finish," And when she doesn't respond right away, he tacks on: "No judgment."

"Jack is this cute sophomore from my English class. He took me to a park off-campus tonight, and we smoked and drank together. It was nice, but I had a bad feeling the entire time. I knew it was dumb to do these things in public, but he made it seem like it was _his spot_ and well I trusted him, because he seemed to know his way around UT. And then a cop came and gave us alcohol citations. Luckily nothing else, but it still feels awful to have gotten caught at all." Liam was quiet, making sure that Karma was really finished with her story.

"It sounds like it's going to be okay, Karma," Liam is relieved that she's not hurt and that the guy wasn't an asshole, just an idiot. "I'm gonna suggest you never hangout with Jack again, though."

"Of course I won't. I'm mostly worried about Amy's reaction. What if she judges me for being so dumb? I'm scared, Liam." She sighs into the phone, her eyes tired from already having cried before she made the phone call.

"Do you want me to come there? Are you still outside, by the way?"

"I'm safe, don't worry, Liam. Literally five minutes away from my quad. I think I'll go back inside soon."

"Okay, good. And about Amy, I think she'll try her hardest to be there for you through this. I know it's going to be rough telling your parents. But at least you know they'll eventually be supportive of you, rather than considering excommunicating you from the family, like mine would." Liam forces a laugh.

"I know you're right. My parents probably would've wanted to _fight the man_ with me if I had gotten arrested for pot. But still, I know they won't exactly be proud. We don't have a fortune to spend on college in the first place."

"Right, and that's what Amy and I are here for. You've got to tell her at some point. So go back to your dorm, take a shower, and then let her know. Get some rest, and figure out what you need to do for your court date tomorrow." He hopes Karma is more relaxed by now. She sounds less anxious over the sound.

"Okay. Thanks for everything. Good night, Liam." Karma doesn't wait for his response. She's tired of talking about it, and even more exhausted by how often the encounter with the cop has replayed in her mind. Liam's idea of a shower is a truly brilliant one.

When Karma reenters the room, she can sense that Amy is still awake, even though the lights are off and she is carefully tucked into bed. Karma showers and changes quickly, feeling guilty that she'll have to rouse Amy so late into the night. Karma sits on her bed, for a full twenty minutes, looking toward Amy, an unexpected question that jostles in her mind.

Amy finally breaks the silence by asking, without removing the pillow from over her head, "Are you okay? It's freaking late and I can feel your gaze penetrating my awful bedhead."

"Yeah," Karma responds, suddenly the idea of explaining everything to Amy sounds akin to hiking Mount Everest. Five minutes later, the wrong words come out, and she's asking Amy: "Can I sleep with you?" without any explanation, which makes the request kind of weird, even for them.

"Yeah," Amy says, pulling down her duvet and allowing the other girl to slide in. Karma doesn't know why she needs to be close to her, when before, when after the conversation with Liam the last thing she had wanted to do was be near _anyone_. It felt like dropping off the face of the earth would have been preferable to facing someone that would eventually need to know about her stupid freshman mistake. That's why Karma feels a tightness in her stomach when she finds Amy holding her, their hands almost interlocking. Even though Karma doesn't sleep well that night, Amy's body next to hers is comforting.

The next morning, Karma watches Amy get ready for class. She slowly puts on her ring, taking even more care than usual to put her books and notebook into her backpack. She seems to hesitate for a long time. When Karma finally sees Amy ready to walk out the door, she removes herself from Amy's bed, yesterday's clothes on and all. She walks close to Amy, and hugs her for a very long time. Karma is on the verge of tears, but doesn't feel quite ready, yet to explain what has happened. They stay like that for a long time, and when they break apart Amy doesn't ask what happens, just says: "See you at lunch?"

It comes out more as a statement rather than a question, and it hangs in the air as Amy opens their door and leaves.


	2. Heat

_**2\. Heat**_

* * *

It's October and the Texas weather is not as unbearable as usual. Karma still sleeps with Amy almost every night. They talked about what happened, but mostly Karma tries not to think about it. Sometimes she'll catch herself tracing the red circle around the date of January 21st. (She still needs to buy business-casual slacks to appear in court.) Amy has oddly been as supportive as ever, not asking for any more detail about what happened, considering the vague outline of events Karma had provided. She only gently reminds Karma to call her lawyer at important times, and keeps her afloat and away from drinking too hard when they do decide to go out to parties.

It's the weekend before Halloween, and Karma is excited, because it's a costume party. Their floor is going to the usual apartment party, but everyone's decked out in the sluttiest or funniest outfit, and they're all abuzz with freshman excitement. Karma pregames a little harder than usual, because Amy is too happy about her favorite holiday to scold her; Karma is dressed in a skimpy maid uniform, and Amy is wearing a cop uniform with the shirt entirely unbuttoned and a bandeau underneath. They're both showing a little more skin than usual; hoping to be daring and have fun. It's college.

Amy wants to hook up as much as the next girl, whereas Karma has been a little turned off from guys since Jack. She hasn't been with anyone lately, but she still enjoys the attention she manages to attract from guys at parties and that's good enough. They head out, walking in a huge pack with the rest of the group, everyone warm from alcohol.

The apartment is loud and dark. Everyone is grinding, writhing, drinking to the music. It's a nice escape for Karma, and she feels odd when she notices Amy exiting the dance floor with another girl's hand in hers. Karma wants that ease of flirtation, but the thought also makes her incredibly nervous. She pushes her way through the throngs of people, mixing herself an even stronger drink. The cheap vodka burns her throat with each sip, but it feels nice to slip deeper into intoxication.

There's a guy with his hands on her. At first, they're dancing passionately and it stirs arousal in Karma. She doesn't like him, can't remember his name, but they're both rather good at keeping to the beat. The next moment, she remembers Amy and feels a little disgusted with herself. She wants to remove him from her, but he's too into the moment, grinding behind her. Desperately, her eyes scan the room for Amy.

The other girl had just returned from the kitchen with another beer when she noticed Karma looking out for help. Her expression screamed needing rescuing, which Amy was happy to help. She hated the thought of her best friend feeling uncomfortable.

"Dude, your times up," Amy obnoxious tries to ward off the rather tall, frat-looking bro.

"Well, I'm Ryan, nice to meet you," He tries.

"Don't care. Now get your hands off of my friend, please."

"What? No, we're still dancing here. You want to still dance, right?" And he tightens his grip on Karma's hips. And now there is almost fear in Karma's eyes, and Amy wants to pummel this guy, but she refrains.

"Ryan, we're leaving." Amy yanks Karma away. He stops protesting, a little too drunk to entirely process what has happened.

On the walk home, Karma is stumbling more than usual. Lately, she's been the more sober of the two; taking care of drunken Amy is generally hilarious. But now the roles are reversed, and Amy is handling Karma with a lot of concern. Ever since "the incident" Karma has pretty much avoided weed, but tonight she managed to take a hit from some Ryan's blunt before they left the party. They cross the street carefully, arms interlocked.

"C'mon, Amy! That was _a lot _of fun. Every night should be Halloweekend!" Karma slurs excitedly, maybe too loudly.

"Yeah, but next time try not to warm up to some creep like that Ryan-dude," Amy scoffs at the still-intoxicated Karma. "Anyways, do you need my shirt or something? Are you cold?"

"Thanks for saving me. I knew you would…and no, I'm super warm, actually. Besides if you took off that shirt you'd pretty much be wearing just a bra and I don't know if I'd approve of that." Karma smiles happily to herself, walking a little straighter now.

"Yeah, you're right. It'd be indecent as hell. And I don't want to be leered at on this walk home," Amy says without really thinking. She's concentrating on making it back to their dorm without getting lost. (Usually Karma's the one better at directions.)

"Thanks for taking care of me," Karma yawns as she slides into Amy's bed, only wearing her underwear and a t-shirt. Amy just rolls her eyes, glad that they made it home in one piece. Another successful night of going out, all proceeded as usual. Karma drank two bottles of water before lying down. Check. Amy had made sure they _both _had managed to brush their teeth. Check. Amy's bed (which was suddenly becoming the one of the two beds used at all) was preemptively made, the sheets smoothed out, before they got in to mess it up all over again. Check.

Amy kisses Karma on the cheek, closing her eyes, hoping exhaustion will take over her still slightly tipsy state. But Karma is still _drunk_, and that is a huge mistake, because Amy finds herself being kissed _hard_ by her best friend. It isn't fair, because Karma is straight and not attracted to her, and Amy is no longer in love, but then there is Karma's mouth on hers. Their tongues feel warm and hot together. It is what Amy had dreamed of for almost two years, but she turns her head away, because she knows how much Karma will regret this.

She wants to slap Karma, to tell her that this is stupid, but she can't even muster that much. And Karma finds her lips again, hungrily kissing her. It feels wet and ungraceful, but Amy knows that inside she revels in the feeling of being this _close _to her best friend. She can already feel the growing regret inside both of them, but she loves the tangibility of Karma against her. Amy weakly tries turning her head away in protest for the second time, but Karma finds her all the same. It hurts and feels so good to Amy that she lets it happen. Amy can smell Karma's shampoo. She holds Karma close, and knows the softness of her skin is unique to any other girl she has touched. It reminds her of falling in love for the first time, and though those feelings ignite, deep beneath her consciousness, their aching burn still scorches her. The wounds are fresh on the surface, and they begin to reopen.

Karma fell asleep a less drunk and incredibly satisfied. But if she had been even a little more sober, she would have felt her best friend's wracking sobs beside her.


	3. Play

_**3\. Play**_

* * *

Karma tries to deny that it ever happened, but she feels her guilt build every day. Amy never mentions the impromptu make-out session, but it has been eating at Karma all week. Even her musical writing class hasn't been nearly as enjoyable as usual. She tries to avoid the subject of Halloween at all, instead putting her nervous energy working on assignments early at the library, away from their room.

It almost works. Karma successfully avoids Amy, save for at night wherein Karma still thoughtlessly crawls into Amy's bed. They have both found that sleeping together and cuddling feels more normal than weird after few nights, because they _are_ best friends. Karma is reading her textbook for class when her phone buzzes in her pocket. She assumes it's Liam, because he's been asking her to eat dinner together for a few days now.

Other than Amy, Karma has only seen friends from class, mostly to study together. She does not want to really hangout with anyone close enough to notice that there is an inner turmoil going on inside of her head. Karma wishes she could just go to sleep and not wake up until the fall semester is over. But she's motivated by the thought that she _needs_ to do well in school to show her parents she isn't going to suddenly become some criminal. Even though they took the news of her alcohol citation surprisingly well, they still mentioned what would happen if she ever lost her scholarships. (No college.) And that kind of wake-up call drove Karma to new heights of focus.

The library is always filled with every type of student: those procrastinating on their laptops, stressed and focused engineers, and people hyped up on Adderall planning on staying until ungodly hours. It made Karma feel better, being in a room full of people, even if she might never strike a conversation with any of them. She continues to take notes, ignoring her phone until it goes off again.

**07:30 PM – Amy:** Hey. Are you coming back soon?

**07:34 PM – Karma:** Miss me already?

**07:40 PM – Amy: **Of course, I haven't had you all to myself in a while.

The message is so honest, Karma almost wants to turn off her phone and ignore it. She considers her response.

**08:00 PM – Karma: **Sorry, I've been a bit tied up lately.

**08:03 PM – Amy:** Gross, don't reference your kinky sex life to me. ;)

Karma isn't sure why this sudden comment makes her nervous. It is just a joke, but she can't help but think about being in a compromising position with someone else. It seems like the epitome of intimacy. And though Karma knows very little about BDSM, she understands that it requires complete trust.

After another half hour of diligent note taking, Karma leaves the library to meet Amy for dinner. Karma is eating a vaguely edible wrap, and Amy is scarfing down fries and chicken tenders like there's no tomorrow. Because it's late, almost when the dining hall will transition to serving its late night menu, there aren't many people around.

So, Karma feels doubly unlucky when she finds Liam Booker walking toward them. He is with three other people. It's mostly weird to see him around so late, because he lives off campus in an apartment.

"Don't look now, it's the broody _Squirkle _Heir," Amy jokes. She still doesn't like him too much, but she knows Karma and Liam are strictly friends now.

"Too late," Liam laughs as he walks up the pair. "How are you, Karma…Amy?" He seems to tack on Amy as an after thought.

"Good, leaving actually," Karma isn't in the mood to deal with Liam's overbearing concern.

"Alright, see you ladies around then," Karma smiles sheepishly at him, as he leaves to rejoin his friends. She pulls Amy up, mid-bite, and forces them to leave. They walk back to the quad silently.

When they're in their room, door locked, Amy immediately goes to the bed and buries herself under the sheets. Karma wants to join her friend, but thinks better of it and goes to her desk, opening her laptop to work on editing her paper for English. From beneath her nest, Amy watches Karma for a few minutes. Then the interrogation begins.

"Yo, Karma, what was up with you and Booker earlier? I mean, I'm not a fan of him either, but you seemed mighty hasty to get outta there," Amy's eyes are closed, but she seems to be thinking about something hard.

"Oh, it's nothing," Karma lies. "I just realized I needed to work on this paper."

"If you say so. You've been acting weird lately—skittish, almost. Everything okay, Karma?"

"Never better." Amy's concern makes Karma feel guilty, but she's not sure what to say. Really, she should be asking Amy if she's okay, with the way she's been acting. Drunkenly kissing her and not explaining or apologizing for it later? Cuddling with her like it's a normal best friend thing to do? Avoiding Amy to avoid the guilt? Karma feels like the worse best friend ever, but she's not sure how to approach any of these subjects. So she continues rereading her paper.

A couple of minutes pass, then:

"I don't really believe you, Karma. But I'll let it slide," Amy comments without looking up from a game of Candy Crush on her phone. Eventually, Karma finishes her homework when Amy gets ready to start hers. Amy gathers her materials and heads to the lounge.

Karma returns to her shower to find the room still empty. She is sitting at her computer still in a towel, feeling too lazy to change yet. She's mindlessly browsing Facebook when Amy suddenly bursts through the door rather loudly.

"Fuck! I forgot my problem set in here," Amy whines, and then she realizes Karma isn't dressed. "Shit, sorry." Amy scurries into the room, grabs a sheet of paper on her desk, and promptly exits.

**10:17 PM – Karma: **Amy, why did you almost have a heart attack just now? Breathe!

**10:19 PM – Amy: **You startled me.

**10:25 PM – Karma: **Geez, by the way you ran out of there it's like I was watching porn or something.

**10:30 PM – Amy: **Was it bondage?

**10:37 PM – Karma: **Do your homework, Amy.

It's past midnight when Amy finally comes back to their room. Karma has just finished her cup of tea.

"Sorry about earlier, I was just pissed. Frankie wanted to race me who could finish the problem set first, but I didn't actually have it with me. He refused to share, so needless to say, I had to sprint here to grab it." Amy explains haphazardly while she removes each article of clothing, discarding it in her laundry hamper.

"Did you win?" Karma quirks an eyebrow.

"Yep. He now owes me a dozen doughnuts," Amy smiles triumphantly, wrapping a towel around herself. Of course Frankie would make that sort of bet with her. He's a cocky guy that lives on their floor, also a computer science major. Karma feels weird about the thought of Amy and Frankie doing homework together, even if it is under the guise of a competition for doughnuts. She doesn't like the thought of them spending extra time together.

But it's really inevitable that Amy will extra spend time with any of the guys on their floor, considering that most of them hang out in the lounge. And Amy seems to focus better in the lounge, rather than in their room. Karma dismisses the jealous inkling, thinking that the time apart is good for them. She doesn't want to confuse Amy more, even if it's not as risky since Amy has gotten over her feelings for her.

Amy walks out of their room to take a shower, oblivious of Karma's inner conflict. That's when Karma decides to call it a night, and while Amy's not in the room, she makes the autonomous decision to settle into her own bed. It feels less comfortable than Amy's bed. But she knows it'll be healthier to draw the line of separation.

When Amy returns from her shower, hair still wet, smelling like her body wash, she immediately notices Karma in her own bed. The lights are off and it's dark, so she can't tell if Karma's eyes are closed, but Amy utilizes the element of surprise by pouncing on top of Karma.

"Amy, what the hell?!" Amy's straddling Karma, still in only a towel. She starts tickling Karma's next, and the next moment their laughter fills the dark room. Karma tries to reverse their positions, but the comforter confines her so she isn't at a good angle to do much.

"You have to say mercy," Amy smirks.

"Amy—" Here Karma gasps in laughter. "MERCY!" Amy stops, and Karma finally catches her breath. It feels good when they return to this kind of playful friendship that they have always had. Amy is usually the instigator, while Karma goes along with her antics. Even though Karma has felt distant lately, Amy knows the right moment of when to draw her back in. That's what Karma loves most about their friendship: they manage to give and take so perfectly from each other.

"Karma, are you really going to sleep there tonight?" Amy questions her, which Karma is surprised by that.

"Yeah, I guess I should really sleep in my own bed some of these nights." Karma wants to shrug, but Amy is still on top of her in a fresh towel. They seem to be near naked around each other a lot these days.

"Fiiiiine, you have a point," Amy pouts. Actually pouts, which is something Karma finds hilarious. Amy constantly tries to act sardonic and carefree when she's around everyone else, but around Karma she is comfortable enough to show this _cute_ side of herself.

"But tomorrow you'll sleep with me?" She asks with a little more hope than Karma had expected.

"Of course," Karma grins mischievously. "What's friendship without cuddling?"

* * *

**A/N:** If you couldn't already tell, this is a very Karma-centric story. I wanted to explore the intricacies of her character a little more, partially because I already feel like "Faking It" portrays Amy's quite well. But for the most part, the show has made Karma seem rather shallow and callous. But I know she's much more than that.


	4. Fantasy

**_4\. Fantasy_**

* * *

Karma goes about her Monday normally. She eats breakfast with her friend, Brian. He complains about his boyfriend. She half-listens as they walk to their Education Planning class together. She spends her break inside of a café, rereading her notes for her Music Theory class. She goes to said class, uneventfully, and then straight to English. In English class, Karma hears about an event going on at their campus: Sex Week.

She is already hoping the class ends early so she'll have time to go to the gym and then take a nap before her "Women in Music" club meeting. That's all she really is asking for. That's when the professor comes in, adorned in a black and yellow t-shirt that has the words "Bee Sex Positive" printed in bright pink. All Karma was asking for was a normal, boring lecture about grammar so she could sort of space out while taking notes. Not this.

"It's Sex Week. You know that means this weekend is gonna be awesome," a guy at the front of the classroom high fives his friend. It's a relatively small, 40-seat classroom. Karma is sitting in the back, rolling her eyes at them.

"Being sex positive is important," A girl directly behind them comments. "Fuck the walk of shame, it should be the walk of pride." The guys nod in agreement. The professor takes this opportunity to jump in on their conversation.

"Yes, it's our school's annual Sex Week. It's important to be sex positive, just like Carly said. Of course, use protection and always maintain consent. Be respectful of your partner. But celebrate people having sex, people not having sex, and people waiting until marriage." She dramatically pauses, and then: "Now that I've gotten _that_ spiel out of the way, why don't we get to this essay about second-wave feminism to better understand the inner workings of a structural argument?"

Karma spends the class interested in the lecture, but also curious about Amy's reaction to Sex Week. It's exactly the kind of school event that Amy would probably be itching to crack a joke about. She sort of wants to text Amy, but refrains. Karma is not sure how she feels about anything lately, and sometimes thinking about Amy fills with her with a sense of guilt, which leads to a sense of dread. She knows she lucked out by being best friends with Amy. Who else could forgive her so often for being so awful? Karma hates her insecurity.

She considers inviting her floor mate, Stephanie, to work out with her. But Karma dismisses the thought, since she already has her gym bag in tow. On the elliptical, Karma sweats for over half an hour, hoping to relieve herself of some stress; but she can't shake the feeling of anxiety, lately. She knows it has to do with Amy. And it has to do with herself, too…her impression of college had been quite different from her experience now.

Even though she hadn't had many friends in high school, she at least felt comfortable knowing everyone in their year. And better yet, becoming friends with Liam had allowed her to achieve the popularity she craved. Sometimes, she wonders if she let that innate desire to be liked to transfer into her desire for Liam. It was another topic that made her feel just as guilty.

Karma knows she is an extrovert. She loves being around people, showing them a good time, and she feels lacking when she thinks about the fact that she has very few friends at all. Her only legitimate "college friends" are Brian, Alan, and the people she had met on her floor, if they even counted. Brian is excessively into himself, but fun to be around. Alan is a huge stoner. And the people from her floor are largely either the nerdy-introvert types or obnoxious partygoers. Karma wants at least a little more balance than that. She smiles to herself when she realizes that Amy is probably the perfect medium between the two. (Though leaning on the nerdy-introvert type.)

When Karma is leaving the gym, she runs into Alan. He had been playing at the badminton courts, which impresses her, because she didn't think of him as athletic at all.

"What's up Karma?" Alan grinned, and then looked around to ensure no one was listening to their conversation. "Wanna get out of campus for a while and smoke?"

Karma wants to say no and be a good girl and not smoke, but at the same time her feelings have changed since she got to college; she's changed. She knows too much marijuana can slow someone down or—lmake them freakishly stuck in the 1970s (see exhibit A: her parents)—and she's a paranoid because it's illegal, but at the same time lately she's been looking for an _escape_ to all of her overwhelming thoughts. And hanging out with Alan helps her feel less alone.

Alan drives to school, since he lives at home with his parents. She follows him to his designated commuter lot. He is rambling about his latest gig at some jazz café. Karma knows Alan is kind of stereotypical: he loves playing the bass guitar and also smokes a ridiculous amount of weed. She isn't sure how many guitar students he has, but she almost positive it isn't enough to fully fund his habits.

They drive and he tells her to pack the bowl quickly on her lap. She obliges, feeling awful about how Amy would react if she knew that Karma was about to get high after class. Getting high in a beat up Toyota Camry, nonetheless. It seems like such a high school thing, but Karma wants Alan to still like her, and she does enjoy their conversations even if he's a bit random. They're driving right at the speed limit when Karma takes the first hit. Alan rolls down their windows and starts blasting some electronic music that normally would make Karma cringe, but now she feels like it's totally appropriate. Alan ducks down at a red light and takes his hit. It feels dangerous and stupid, like drinking in the park, but Karma feels her string of mistakes snowball as they do, and she isn't sure how to get off the slope.

She sometimes wonders if she's an emotional masochist. Karma revels in this kind of self-destructive behavior she's found in college. She likes the way this drug in particular slows her train of thought, lets her more easily focus on the moment: the vibration of the engine humming, Alan's way of telling a quirky story, and the music drowning every other thought away. Karma doesn't have to feel guilty about anything when she's with Alan, because he doesn't know Amy or how Karma has been. He only knows her _now_, and this is the moment that counts.

When Alan drops her off in front of her dorm, Karma still feels out of it. The sun is setting soon, and she hasn't seen Amy since this morning. It makes her feel strangely accomplished to have become closer with someone that Amy has no idea about. And sure, they smoke every time, but is it really that bad?

Karma feels relieved when she passes the lounge, finds it sans-Amy and unlocks the door to their room to find it also sans-Amy. She doesn't want her to get worried about this new, shitty habit she's picked up. But then again, it's probably in her genes to eventually smoke copious amounts of weed. The thought makes Karma chuckle in an empty room, and she suddenly realizes that this is a great moment to listen to the assigned playlist for her Rock History class. It's kind of a stereotypical bullshit class, but she loves examining the type of work that came out of different genres.

She's at the final song, when it strikes her that these lyrics hurt too much too ignore.

_No one ever told me when I was alone._ _They just thought I'd know better. Better._

It strikes her as even more poignant that, in her opinion, it's the only decent hit from the album. The most expensive rock album ever produced has just a singular good song. Weird.

Karma's thoughts are looping and sluggish, but she finds herself feeling happy until she suddenly remembers that it's Amy's 18th birthday in two weeks, and she hasn't planned a thing. She perks straight up from the bed (Amy's bed), and struggles to find her phone.

**06:17 PM – Karma: **Heeeeeey. What do you want to do for your birthday?

**06:20 PM – Amy:** Hi. I don't know.

**06:21 PM – Karma: **Hmm, in the celebration of sex week, nudes?

And Karma bursts out loud laughing, because she's high and she doesn't know why at first. But the more she thinks about it, the more that she realizes it's actually the _perfect gift _because Amy probably does want explicit pictures of her. Maybe. But Karma has not even broached the subject of their accidental kiss, not even with a 10-foot pole, in any way, shape or form, so this is hardly appropriate. But Karma is giddy and the light, and she wants to feel wanted. A huge part of her, the rational and sobering up part, hopes Amy changes the subject. The other part of Karma, the devious and excited part, kind of hopes Amy says yes.

**06:35 PM – Amy: **Of who?

Karma feels her inevitable, impulsive self automatically respond. She doesn't think. She just types out her first thought and hits "SEND" and that's really the mistake.

**06:36 PM – Karma: **Of me. Who else? ;)

An excruciating five minutes passes, until her phone finally buzzes and Karma feels nervous opening the text, but she knows she has to.

**06:41 PM – Amy: **Oh. Then yes. Yes, I would…wait, is this a weird joke? Karma, are you okay?

**06:42 PM – Karma: **Brian fucked some bartender at a gay club. We could get in there without an ID and drink for your birthday.

**06:45 PM – Amy: **Okay, sure.

Karma loves Amy for a lot of reasons, but one of her favorite reasons is that Amy will let her drop a subject at any point. Without question. Because Amy sort of has a short attention span in the first place, and she knows that Karma is insecure, so she'll rarely press her about anything. But Karma thinks it's strange but also lucky that Amy lets hers completely 180 the conversation.

It's a blessing and a curse, because Karma feels herself slightly embarrassed at the thought of Amy seeing her completely undressed. But more so, Karma is _aroused _when she thinks about what Amy would do with explicit pictures of her.

She thinks about Amy on her bed, the bed they always share, with her faced flush. Amy's hair splayed about, wearing only a tank top and boyshort panties—Amy's hand slipping underneath the waistband, Amy's eyes intent on the mobile image of Karma, unable to control herself.

Karma forces herself out of the reverie. Despite having lost her virginity to Liam, Karma does not masturbate. She chalks up the fantasy of Amy to simple sexual frustration. And she knows that Amy _does _masturbate, because she's mentioned it in passing before. The act helped Amy realized she is bisexual and not a lesbian.

But Karma has never felt the need to touch herself. She barely felt anything but adoration—and possibly love—when she had sex with Liam. It was wholesome and intimate. Yet, it did not make her feel so _uncomfortable_ in her jeans. At this moment, the feeling of the thick fabric, creating pressure against her sex is kind of unbearable. Karma vaguely knows how girls masturbate, again because of Amy, but she doesn't know the specifics. She has never "explored" herself for lack of need. She thinks maybe it's the weed, after all, Alan told her it was an aphrodisiac.

Karma doesn't give in and touch herself. She gets up and heads to the dining hall for a snack, effectively creating a distraction from her _Amymasturbatingtohernudes_ fantasy.


	5. Terabyte

**5\. Terabyte**

* * *

"Thank you so much!" Amy grins widely at her best friend. Karma grabs her hand in response, squeezing it.

"Of course, Amy."

"Can't believe I lasted this long without an external hard drive. It's so tiny, like the size of a doughnut, but it holds a fucking terabyte. That's approximately 300K cat photos!"

"Please don't use it just for that," Karma sighs in mock exasperation.

"I wouldn't dream of it. I should probably download _Python _tonight, though."

"Amy! We're going out with Brian tonight. You don't have time. We need to get ready and pregame."

"Right, drinking," Amy grins at Karma.

And Karma is pretty sure Amy only agreed to go to a club, because it's what _Karma _wants which is really just classic-unselfish-Amy, especially since it's her birthday. But Karma tries to overcompensate by talking about Amy's chances of meeting a girl that also likes girls, and so she feels less guilty about it.

Karma dresses down in tight blue jeans, a white button down, and black pumps. She wears only mascara, saving her effort on Amy's make up. Karma convinces Amy to wear a navy dress she bought for her several weeks ago. It's at a modest length, but with side cutouts.

When Karma finally zips the back of Amy's dress, she can't help but notice how nice Amy's back is and how overall _pretty _her best friend really is. And it's not in an insecure or sexual way, it's just—it's nice. Because despite all of the fucking up Karma has done, she knows she can rely on this beautiful human being for the rest of her life. Karma feels her cheeks blush, and she decides to blame it on the couple of birthday shots she took with Amy a moment earlier.

"Karma. Yo, Earth to Ashcroft," Amy is waving her hand in front of Karma's face.

"…Yeah?"

"Dude, you spaced out on me for a second," She touches her middle, where flesh is exposed. "It feels kind of _too _breezy without you know…a whole dress."

"Come on, Amy! It's fashion."

"Okay, but since when did fashion have to be impractical? Also that's totally a Lauren Cooper response."

"How is the traitor, by the way?"

"Lauren's good. Kind of loving the normalcy of A&amp;M. But I don't get this whole Longhorn-Aggie rivalry. Aren't we both state schools?"

Karma starts to explain that football is involved, but Brian calls to say that he's waiting for them in the parking lot. Brian greets them outside of his Nissan Maxima. His blonde hair is gelled back. Brian's shorts are polka-dotted, and his bowtie matches impeccably. He is kind of a walking stereotype, because he's slightly effeminate, loves drugs, and hooks up with every willing gay man. He's like Shane Harvey, but hornier, which is sort of hard to beat. (No pun intended.) But what sets him apart from Shane, and what Karma really loves about Brian, is that he's so unapologetically loyal to his friends. He pledges to show the girls a good time, but abstains from drinking to ensure they safely get home. He is their sober fairy. (Also no pun intended.)

At the club, it's awkward at first, because Karma knows that Amy is vaguely uncomfortable and over stimulated by the sweaty, drunk crowd. But Karma buys Brian a virgin piña colada, Amy a Kamikaze shot, herself a shot of Jack Daniels, and suddenly they're in business. Brian begins flirting with the bartender he slept with, and Amy feels more at ease and eager to dance.

It's loud and still kind of gross, because of all the other bodies. But the music is good, and Karma even finds herself enjoying all of the eye candy around. She loves the atmosphere of women in flannels and men in booty shorts. It's fun and would probably make her parents proud that so many people in one room are choosing to defy the gender binary. Karma dances with everyone. She keeps a close eye on Amy, who continually floats back to the hot, dark-haired DJ.

Karma wonders if Amy has run out of "songs to suggest" and wanders up to them. It's unbearably loud, but Amy has managed to decipher the DJ's name and number. Reagan is beautiful and perfectly _alt _looking. She isn't sure why, but she needs a drink after seeing Reagan up close.

"Hey, Karm, you okay?" Brian looks at his friend with concern.

"Yeah, never better." But Karma knows she doesn't appear convincing, having just spilled her drink for the fifth time that night. But she feels less awkward about seeing Amy enjoy her birthday with the DJ _aka someone other than Karma _and feels more assuaged with every drink. She sees Amy talking to Reagan, forced to be close and speak in her ear.

Amy and Reagan, they're dancing and it's starting to look intimate. Even if Karma feels slightly left out, she thinks they'd make a really hot couple. Still, Karma can't help but order another shot of Jack when sees them start to make out, choosing not to analyze the meaning of that. Brian is too engrossed with the bartender to notice. Amy and Reagan grind to Lady Gaga and slow dance to that one song in Coyote Ugly…_Well I should try to be strong, but baby you're the right kind of wrong._

Karma gets increasingly intoxicated and can't help herself from _clapping _with delight when Amy indicates to Brian that she's ready for him to drive them home. They all walk to the parking lot wordlessly. The early November air feels cool against their skin, and Karma walks close to Amy. She suddenly thinks about how Amy's fingers are intertwined with hers and not with Reagan's.

When they get back to their room, they're both still tipsy and awake. They clamor into their floor's lounge, ready to drunkenly socialize with the people still awake. For Karma, it's unfortunate that the only people left awake are Frankie and his posse of comp sci nerds playing Cards Against Humanity. Amy quickly jumps in, and Karma chooses takes this opportune moment to shower.

Karma is walking toward their room, thinking about how she's sober now, and really kind of hates herself for getting so fucked up lately. She vows to abstain from drugs and alcohol for a while—it's unhealthy to depend on substances

When Karma is fully showered and prepared for bed, she exits the bathroom and is startles by Amy yelping. It's a guilty noise, and Karma realizes that she must've seen the rest of her birthday present. So it wasn't _just_ an empty external hard drive with one terabyte.

"Karma, I—"

"Don't." Karma gestures for Amy to shut her laptop. She guides them both back to Amy's bed.

"…are we just going to sleep now?" Amy's question feels heavy, and Karma can't really handle it right now.

"Yeah." Karma rolls on her side, essentially the spooning Amy. It's usually uncomfortably warm sleeping with another person (Liam), but she has gotten really used to sleeping with Amy. "Sleep is important."

But Karma can't sleep. She feels excited and nervous all at once, knowing Amy has _seen _her. Really seen everything. And is that really so new? Amy has definitely accidentally seen Karma undressed for brief periods. (Sometimes not so accidentally.) Karma really isn't so shy about her body, despite being insecure in almost every other area.

Karma knows she's already started initiated a new dimension to their relationship, and it makes her feel good, because Amy is the most important person in the world to her. Amy Raudenfeld is the only person that really gets Karma Ashcroft on a visceral, intellectual, and intrinsic level. But what bothers Karma is that she can't discern if this is something that she wants for herself. She knows that _Amy_ wants her sexually and romantically. She loves feeling wanted. She loves the glint in Amy's eye, the awe, the passion—Amy's looks always make her feel exposed.

But Karma doesn't know if she can say that she has ever looked at Amy that way.

* * *

**A/N:** I have the rest of this story plotted out! Please be wary, there will be several trigger warnings for the next chapter. But I think you guys will really enjoy chapter six; it's probably the kind of content that you came here for (hint, hint).

* * *

_also, here is a list of references. i don't mean to steal from anyone!_

(1) the last chapter had lyrics to the song "better" by guns n' roses.

(2) this chapter has the lyrics to the song "the right kind of wrong" by leann rimes.


	6. Unrestrained

Trigger warning: sex, light BDSM/bondage, and possibly dissociation.

* * *

_**6\. Unrestrained**_

* * *

Karma had stopped purposely avoiding Amy, as time passed since _The Incident _on Halloween. Yet, giving Amy _Those Pictures _has given Karma a fresh reason to be absent. She always has class before Amy, so it's relatively easy to slip out of the room without a peep from the sleeping lump on their bed—Amy's bed.

And Karma knows it's bad that she's been doing it a lot this semester, but she finds that spending inordinate amounts of time at the library makes her feels less guilty about spending the occasional afternoon with Alan, lighting up. Amy still doesn't know that she smokes, and Karma tries to cut back by never taking more than a couple of hits. But Alan always has _potent _weed, and it doesn't take much.

So it's only natural when Karma decides to hunker down all of Thursday night in PCL, which upperclassmen tell her stands for Pretty Crappy Library. But it's actually Perry-Castañeda Library: a huge, dimly lit, and especially full building, since it's midterm time.

Procrastination is one of Karma's biggest flaws. She rarely leaves small assignments to the last minute, but when she has a larger project to do, she rarely is able to get a head start. This is a problem that hasn't affected her much, until now, since most of her courses only have high-stakes assignments during midterm and finals week.

But ever since this paper had been encroaching, she managed to find song-writing inspiration frequently, inconveniently; at the exact moments she could have potentially begun this major assignment early. It's due at 10am Friday, the next morning. To prevent distraction, Karma turns off her cellphone until she is finally bleary-eyed and finished.

She works diligently. Karma is a master at using Google Scholar and the university's library search function. But it's a bland topic, and she finds herself nodding off.

* * *

_The setting sun is filtering through the window shades. Karma is holding Amy, and the room is dark. They're not speaking, and Karma finds that she can't open her mouth. But Amy has a quiet smile on her face. She looks beautiful and angelic in this light. Karma wants to thank her for everything, and so she surges forward and kisses her. It's not something she really thinks about._

_Karma feels Amy pull back. Amy doesn't look displeased or regretful. Doesn't seem to remember the kiss they shared a few weeks ago that was _all _wrong, because Karma was drunk and Amy didn't want to be reminded of the feelings she had buried. Instead, it's _AmyandKarma_ just being together._

_"__Woah," Is all Karma can say. _

_"__I know," Amy breathes._

_And that is something that makes Karma feel strange, because they can move past everything. They can still be themselves, as soul mates, unrestrained, despite their messy history._

_But when she feels Amy kiss her again, it feels wrong. Karma's eyes wells with tears and she can't describe exactly why she wants to cry, but she begins sobbing until she's alone._

_Now it's not _AmyandKarma_ it's just Karma. The sun has set and it's Karma alone._

_Karma. Alone in an empty, dark room._

* * *

Karma can only remember that she had a faint dream about Amy, but it feels fuzzy. She finishes her paper, trying not to think about its exact contents.

Her phone dings with a barrage of message notifications. Amy is worried. That fact makes Karma both happy and nervous. She takes the time to read all of them before her fifteen-minute walk back to her dorm.

**11:21 PM – Amy:** Hi. Where have you been all day?

**12:30 PM – Amy:** …Karma?

**12:50 AM – Amy:** Are you coming back tonight?

**01:30 AM – Amy:** Called Liam and he doesn't know where you are? Let me know when you get this.

There are even a few from Brian.

**12:09 AM – Brian:** Hey bitch.

**12:23 AM – Brian: **You up?

And as expected, one from Liam. He worries about her less than Amy does, but it's nice to know that he cares.

**1:17 AM – Liam:** Amy just called me asking if you were okay?

She feels bad for making Amy and Liam worry, so she sends them the same message.

**2:01 AM – Karma: **Sorry, I've been PCL working on a paper.

Karma feels out of sorts and exhausted. But she's proud that she managed to complete her paper with enough time to sleep. She looks down at her phone, a little surprised that she received a response so quickly.

**2:05 AM – Amy: **I've just been thinking about something I've always wanted to do.

**2:08 AM – Karma: **?

**2:09 AM – Amy:** You should tie me up.

Karma has no idea if Amy is somehow flirting with her or just being funny, but the message doesn't make sense, probably because it's 2am. Then Karma is suddenly wide-awake, because she makes the connection to Amy's comment—multiple comments—before about Karma's "kinky sex life" and it strikes her that despite trying to seem ridiculous, Amy is probably half-serious. Like Karma was half-serious about the nudes thing, and this doesn't seem like a good idea.

It's actually a really, really terrible and excruciatingly awful idea.

(But Karma seems attracted to those lately.)

When Karma returns to their room, she sees Amy still awake, the only light in the room coming from the screen of the laptop on her stomach. Amy seems totally engrossed in a YouTube tutorial about some computer language. And Karma doesn't know what overcomes her, but as soon as she puts down her things, she grabs Amy's laptop and closes the lid.

"Are you sure?" Karma hears herself ask, and she suddenly remembers the details of her dream and that makes her insecure, so she doesn't wait for her best friend to respond. Instead, she's grabbing the silk scarves in the closet—the scarves that her brother sent her during his volunteer stint in Cambodia. And her mind turns to Zen Ashcroft and his stories about _romancing _women, because he's such a feminist and so polite and so gentle. Because Karma knows she won't ever have someone like that, and she can't be someone like that, so instead she gives in to her desire to _hurt_.

Amy finally just nods her head, still incredibly silent, watching Karma. Watching Karma climb on top of her, forcing Amy to lay back. Watching Karma wrap the scarves around her wrists, effectively binding Amy to the bedpost.

Amy is watching Karma, unable to break the tension in the air. Karma has dark, unreadable eyes. Amy loves Karma. Loves her so much that she would trust her with her entire life. They both know this. And Karma knows Amy will trust her in this moment, unquestionably, irrevocably.

Amy is restricted and exposed. She isn't wearing a bra underneath her thin t-shirt. It takes only one hand for Karma to remove her sleeping shorts and panties all in one go. Karma is straddling Amy still fully clothed, hovering, her own expression unchanged. She sees her soul mate vulnerable only inches below, and it's an amazing sense of power, because Amy isn't scared.

And Amy should be.

Amy should try to struggle and scream, but instead she lays there, a slight flush to her face and her mouth in a slight curve. Karma wants to kiss her on the mouth again, if only to see Amy's reaction. But instead, what seems more appropriate is kissing her neck, lifting Amy's t-shirt gently up, up, and grabbing at her breasts.

Karma's never had interest in someone's breasts, other than the size of her own, but Amy's are nice and perky. The flesh is pale and milky, and all Karma can think about is _ruining _it. Karma never thought she was a sexual person, but she knows that's how this must look. She first sucks at Amy's nipple, and then moves onto the flesh beside that, tentatively biting the side of her right breast and then sucking. Sucking down _hard_. Amy whimpers, but she doesn't tell Karma to stop. She encourages Karma with small noises and sighs, and all Karma can do in response is leave a trail of hickeys.

"Is this…" Karma whispers as she bites again, this time on the side of her neck. She hesitates before shyly finishing: "what you wanted?"

"Yes," Amy can't utter much else. She's breathing heavy, and clearly _so close _and Amy's wetness is making Karma's jeans stick to her thighs. The air is heavy with the smell of _Amy's _sex and Karma doesn't mind. She wants to make Amy happy, but this is one of the only ways she knows she can do so without failure. Because Karma knows that this is what Amy wants more than anything.

So Karma gives and gives and gives.

She touches Amy softly at first, and then harshly, grabbing Amy's nipples between her fingers. And Amy must be sensitive, because she's responding so positively and even though Karma is always above her with eyes that scream _only_ concentration, Amy is looking at her with absolute adoration.

After leaving several marks scattered along Amy's body like a constellation, Karma finally stops teasing and lets her fingers trail to Amy's thigh. She brushes the skin there, and then, without notice, penetrates Amy quickly. And it feels warm and rougher than she expected, but Amy is writhing so much, Karma knows she must be doing something right.

And Amy is wet and Karma moves her fingers like she's done this before, but she purposely avoids the most sensitive area. Amy wants to touch herself, touch Karma, kiss Karma, do _something_, and Karma knows this. But Amy has done nearly everything for Karma since the beginning of their relationship. Amy takes care of her and brushes away her tears and stays by her side. Always.

Karma knows that Amy would give anything to be unrestrained, but she can't help but think it's her turn to take care of Amy. Not satisfy Amy, but _take care _of this precious human being beneath her. This person that looks at Karma like she's the sun itself, and it breaks her heart to think that anyone could really love her this much.

What Karma refuses to acknowledge is that it she feels weirdly powerful to deny Amy the satisfaction of finally coming. Because Karma touches Amy until she murmurs that she's "almost there" and in that precise moment, Karma stops all ministrations. She unties the scarves and removes herself from Amy. Amy is clearly frustrated, but is so undone and out of breath, that it's hard for her to speak.

Karma slowly gets ready to shower. She peels off her clothes, and it's new that she doesn't bother to turn away from Amy while she does so. She's wrapped in a towel and ready to walk into the bathroom when Amy finally does manage to say something.

"Wait."

"Yeah?" Karma successfully keeps her voice even.

"Will you…y'know…you didn't have to do that, right?" Amy looks insecure and frightened, like she should have been all that time. Both sides of her neck look bruised from multiple bites, and Karma can't help but grin a little. She feels feral and wild and that, too, is absolutely new.

"I know."

She exits the room after that admittance. Karma showers and her mind turns at a million miles per minute. She knows that Amy will want it all to mean something, because she's a really sentimental person. She's more than that—Amy is a good person that wants sex to be lovely and meaningful. But it's too early in the morning to think about consequences, so Karma showers, keeping her mind numb.

Amy is somehow dead asleep when she returns. Her sleeping face looks content and tired. Karma gets into bed with her, wearing only underwear and a thin tank top. Her bare skin feels hot against Amy's, and it feels light and familiar. It's as if all past transgressions have washed away when she's holding Amy.

But Karma knows, regrets, hates that her guilt won't be soothed for long.


	7. First

Trigger warning: more drug use and sexual situations with possible dissociation.

* * *

**_7\. First_**

* * *

Friday is actually kind of boring. Karma turns in her paper and eats lunch with Amy at the dining hall during their break. This is the only day of the week that they have a gap between classes at the same time. Amy talks about Reagan texting her and the weather. Karma mostly nods and tries not to mentally over analyze what has happened less than 24 hours before. Because she's physically exhausted from staying awake so late and getting up so early, and she's mentally exhausted from being herself. Karma knows she's going to need to explain something to Amy at some point, but she is thankful when Amy doesn't demand this explanation right away.

When they part, Karma goes to her discussion section, still deep in thought. She doesn't participate or pay attention, but texts Alan the entire time. He sends her playlists that she can't open or listen to during class, but says they're great nonetheless.

Kama and Alan go through an entire gram by the end of the day. They drive around and listen to psychedelic music while hitting his glass pipe. They go to a park and walk around and smoke again. Karma had _promised _herself she was going to quit, but it's hard when Alan is willing to share and so easy to talk to. She still hasn't told him anything about her roommate.

Spending time with Alan lets her forget. She relaxes. She eats McDonalds with him. Sorry Mom and Dad, she thinks, biting into one of the curiously best-tasting McChickens _ever_. They sit in the car for a while after eating, unable to really do much.

"Dude," Alan says quietly.

"Yeah?" Karma is having a hard time keeping her eyes open.

"I think we smoked the _whole _dub."

"My parents would be proud," She giggles, not even sure if they would consider that a lot.

"Really?" He looks at her with surprise. _His_ eyes are red.

"My name is Karma and my brother's name is Zen. Absolutely."

"That's tight," Alan says without much expression. Suddenly, they're both laughing really hard.

After that, Alan and Karma talk about music. They agree that they should play together sometime, but he will have to supply her with a guitar. Karma leaves his car feeling stoned and less anxious than she has all day.

When Karma returns to her dorm room, she's slightly less high, and relieved to see that it's empty. Karma showers very slowly. When she's finished, it's absolutely silent in the bathroom while she browses her phone, still too high to face the outside.

That's when Karma hears Amy coming back, and she gets blips of a conversation. She can tell that Amy is talking to Shane and then hears _Karma _and _MindfuckingMe_ somewhere in the mix, and that's when Karma decides to stop eavesdropping and make her presence be known. She washes her hands and draws the shower curtains to one side as loudly as possible.

"Damn it—gotta go," Amy hangs up the phone quickly when she realizes that Karma is actually in their room.

But instead of confronting Amy about her call, or about the kiss or about the pictures or about their _encounter_, Karma suggests they watch a weird movie together, since they have some time to relax. It's a science fiction and fantasy kind of thing that becomes so odd and outlandish, they can't tell if it has a plot or not.

Karma has her laptop on her stomach and Amy is lying against her side as if she was meant to be there. And even though the laptop is exerting a lot of heat, Karma knows she's also kind of hot from Amy being there, unnecessarily close. It's like when they were younger and had a lot more free time to be together, watching something, with very few physical boundaries.

Amy grasps at Karma's fingers on her left side, playing with them in her own, until she finally interlocks their hands. And it's nice, because Karma knows that this is normal for them. They're platonic friends watching a movie, and that's what Karma has always relied on Amy for. She tries to ignore the thick scarf Amy's wearing that successfully covers the entirety of her neck.

"So if we were characters in this movie, I'm pretty sure you'd be Oscar," Amy looks as if she's seriously thinking about this. "And I'd be Céline."

"Seriously, Amy? You think I'd be the freaky bald guy? And you get to be the limousine-driving MILF?"

"It's not about that..." She looks really serious in her consideration of one of the strangest films they have ever seen together.

Karma can't help but be hyperaware of their hands, still together as the credits are rolling and Amy's thinking so deeply about what they've just watched. Amy loves cinematography and Karma loves that about her and loves _knowing_ that about her. She could write a book about Amy Raudenfeld, because despite what people think, Karma is really observant in general. But it's less like making observations and more like breathing, that Karma knows Amy's favorite color is blue and her favorite doughnut is plain glazed and she _hates _the beach (but maybe that's because they've only been to Galveston when they were 13 and the beaches there kind of suck).

"It's just," Amy starts after several moments of thought. "Now hear me out—you're Oscar, because he's the actor. He makes people feel better by participating in very real scenes. You're always out to please everyone around you, even if it takes a toll on you emotionally. Like when you had to help get your parents market their juice truck or when you performed that song to save Hester or when you broke up with Liam."

"Hey, but how did breaking up with Liam make someone else happy?"

"It made _me _happy, because I was—it was…" Amy hesitates now, but her eyes look distant. As if she's remembering be in high school all over again.

"It made me happy, because it was good to see you take care of yourself. You know that I want you to be with someone that really cares about you, not about sleeping with you." Then Amy suddenly looks less serious, kind of embarrassed. "Not to say that you broke up with him _for me_, but—"

"Thank you," Karma interrupts, squeezing Amy's hand for emphasis. "I guess you're Céline, because she always makes sure Oscar gets where he needs to go."

And that's probably not an accurate interpretation of the movie. But Karma likes that Amy somehow relates random things to their shared experiences in high school. Because that feels like a lifetime ago (even if graduation was only four months ago) and they're definitely different people than they were back then. Different people, but they were _AmyandKarma_ back then and they're _AmyandKarma_ now. It feels all so familiar even when it's not. They got through Amy's crush and Karma's heartbreak, and they're still best friends.

Karma wonders if Amy was just young and stupid to say that she was _in love_ with her their sophomore year of high school, because now it's clear that Amy isn't. She's sexually attracted to Karma and maybe emotionally attached. But Amy hasn't asked for Karma to _step off the edge _with her or anything dramatic like that. They are soul mates and love each other deeply, but it's platonic and maybe a little more complicated than before, yet it works for them. It's uniquely them.

Karma worries about losing someone as caring as Amy, because she knows she's selfish and toxic sometimes, but she needs her. She needs Amy desperately, like she needs air, because Amy is the only person that can make Karma feel acknowledged in the world. Even her parents make her feel second best to her brother, and well Zen is _Zen _and she hasn't had many other friends. Amy is her world and sort of has been since they met.

They decide to go to sleep relatively early for a Friday night, because they know that tomorrow needs to be productive. Both girls have several midterms in the following week, and Amy still hasn't finished a computer science project due on Monday morning. Karma tries to sleep for a while, her arm draped around Amy's stomach, wondering if the other girl is really asleep. Eventually, Amy makes it clear that she is awake, turning toward Karma to face her. They're both in only panties and t-shirts, because sharing a tiny dorm bed creates a lot of body heat.

"Hey." Amy smiles at her, looking just as awake as Karma feels.

"Amy, go to sleep. Don't you want to finish the project before Frankie tomorrow?"

"I do," She trails off, and then lowers her voice to a whisper. "But maybe I could help _you _this time."

Somehow, Karma immediately knows what she means. Amy wants to touch her, and that feels less weird when she realizes she can't see the array of hickeys in the dark. They're physical reminders of what has happened and it makes Karma feel guilty, even if she's not quite sure why. And that same feeling makes Karma feel like she should object to Amy touching her, because she's not really concerned about masturbation.

Karma has never even had an orgasm before and kind of figured that was something she would get to when she had a regular boyfriend (that was better than Liam). But it's hard to say no when the moonlight filtering through the window, allows for her to see Amy's pleading eyes. And Karma feels _something_ in her move and then nothing.

"Okay," Karma breathes quietly.

"Really?" Amy's response is less than a whisper.

"Yeah."

Then, unexpectedly, Karma finds Amy pushing her down to lie on her back. They're shoulder to shoulder, and that position is more than okay with Karma. Because she doesn't have to feel like this is related to tying Amy down with the scarves or giving her black and blue marks. There's no power dynamic now, because like this, they're still equals.

Amy's hands trail down Karma's stomach and stop momentarily when they reach the waistband of her shorts. But soon, deft fingers are feeling Karma's wetness. And she closes her eyes and stays as silent as possible, while Amy touches her gently, thoughtfully.

And it's clearly turning _Amy _on, because as Amy increases the rate of her strokes, her breathing gets heavier.

Karma is warm and the sensation of Amy touching her is so _different _from anything she's experienced before, because Amy is clearly skilled, touching her with just the right amount of pressure in the right places. Something that Liam must've failed miserably at, since she's never been this close to coming.

But what feels wrong about this moment is that Karma is not really thinking about anything in particular. She focuses on the even sound of Amy's breath and the slight rustle of the sheets. Her mind is floating and reeling and then empty. It's relaxing. Almost meditative. Amy is getting really hot next to her, and Karma can tell she is so _tense_, which is exactly the opposite of how she feels.

Karma climaxes quickly and suddenly, and Amy's fingers lightly touch her quivering sex. And it's extremely sensitive, so Karma uses her hand to guide Amy's away.

"Was that…okay?" Amy asks, still obviously excited, but a little insecure. Karma hates the thought of Amy thinking she's anything but wonderful, and she's happy that she could share this moment with Amy. Because Amy is the person she's closest to—her entire world, even. But none of the affection she has for Amy strikes Karma as _romantic _or _sexual _and that's really contradictory, so she tries to not think about it anymore.

"It was my first orgasm." Karma chuckles slightly, because of how ludicrous that sounds.

"Wow," Amy replies, her voice small.

Then Amy becomes bold.

"Can I…kiss you?"

And Karma freezes. She feels the tears behind her eyes, because Amy sounds so tentative and innocent and she wants to say _yes_, but she knows that will change everything. Karma swallows and just lets her body take over.

"No," Karma is on top of Amy, now, pining the other girl down with a little more force than necessary. And Karma feels at ease again, because she's in control—her eyes are dark and fierce. She hovers over Amy for moment, contemplating what to do, and then settles on kissing Amy's forehead with a gentleness that surprises them both.

"Kisses on the mouth are a reward. And you haven't earned one yet," she hears herself say.

And Amy _pouts_ at that and turns away as if she's disappointed. Karma thinks it's so ridiculously adorable that she wants to take back what she said back, but she knows it would be unreasonable to do so. Instead, Karma moves to press her body against Amy, and they both make the adjustments to spoon like they do every night.

Karma is satisfied, and Amy is just happy to be next to her.

* * *

**A/N:** thanks for all of the positive responses thus far! i'm always thinking about this story. the movie that is referenced is real and it's called _holy motors_, which i only recommend if you like very strange, artsy films.


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